It happens to the best of us

It happens to the best of us.

Hi guys!!! I really don’t know why or for who am I writing this, most probably for my own future self lmao.
So I don’t really have a specific topic but I want to talk about certain things. Let’s start with writing, so I have been a writer since I was 13… I used to say I’d become a writer if nothing else works out, my love for the art of crafting stories has no boundaries and yet often i find myself at a loss. I often have a thousand ideas swarming through my head but it is a sad sight of how many of them make it to my long term memory and further to paper. It is a sense of sadness combined with the thought of who is going to read this anyway that has perhaps kept me away from writing. I really feel sad sometimes that I can’t make a proper career out of writing fictional romance unless I write a bestseller. I feel weirded out by the fact that while my formal writings of essays and reports are considered price worthy, my characters often do not find a place in the world. I love Chad, just like I love Mason and I love Lily and I adore Luna, but the world almost makes me obliged to be detached from my characters. It is like I am not allowed to treat them like real beings. Unfortunately I don’t confirm the notion of not loving my characters before they are best sellers because I don’t know if I have the time enough to make them into best sellers.
I don’t know if i have the time to love them enough and oh love!
Love is the only other thing that perhaps is not allowed to me, you know how they say loving too much kills interest, well how do i not love someone when i have seen a loved one die? How do I believe that I will talk to this person again? How do I not give them all of my love in every meeting when I know the next meeting might not happen? I can’t. I know people might call me a fool for this, but you don’t know if you are going to wake up tomorrow and why exactly will you want your last conversation with anybody to be a fight? The world doesn’t praise my love but unfortunately I do not conform to the rules of not loving either.

I also wanted to talk about anxiety and self awareness. I am a very anxious person or so as to say, i have become a very anxious person. I am scared of writing this, I am scared of loving people, I am scared of not loving people enough and I am scared. It is frustrating to be so scared of life when your past self absolutely loved life. My anxiety, apart from making my life hard, is different and is attached to parts of my life that are difficult to navigate. I understand that my anxiety has sort of become a part of me, but it is frustrating to not be able to “chill”. I used to be a high functioning individual, never too worked up-never too not worked up (lmao) and to be sort of dysfunctional on many days is a hard truth. It happens to the best of us, but it makes the worst come out. I have felt like a burden on many days and it has been a struggle to get myself out of that spiral. It is a hard task to trust people, to understand and to not feel horrible about existing. There have been days when I have bombarded some of my closest friends with texts and have begged for their presence.. Some of them showed up but it is very often an inescapable feeling that I am making them put in effort for me. It feels bad when I text my best friend asking him to calm me down because in reality i do not want him to see me that miserable but perhaps i do it to the best of my people. I was once told by a very important person that when you feel like a burden, shift perspectives, imagine that your best friend is in the middle of an anxiety attack and is calling you… will you think of them as a burden? I try to remind myself of that thought but it often recurs that perhaps, it takes more than a few chances to become a burden.
Gosh! That is a lot of sadness. I would like to believe that my 2023 has been pretty amazing but today, it feels like a happy NEW year.
Thank you, if you read this, it is an absolute pleasure to have you in my life. I only send this blog to a few people so if you got it, you are special to me and I am thankful for you.

Another thing that has been looming in my mind is letting go. It is no mystery that I absolutely suck at letting go. I am terrible, I can’t give up on people and sometimes I feel like I should because it is important to let certain people go for your own and their good but I just don’t know how to. I think that is a part of my anxiety and a part of me having felt absolutely shitty when someone let me go. A very weird and frustrating thing for me is the fact that I understand the importance of a lot of things and yet I can’t accomplish many of them because of my overthinking and anxiety. I am overthinking writing this lmao but I guess the best way for a writer to deal with shit is to write it out.

I am gonna end this one here. I am sleep deprived, overworked and have almost all of my friendships crumbling like bread crumbs but guess what! IT HAPPENS TO THE BEST OF US.

So reminding you to take out time for the people you love, they might not be here tomorrow. Take care of yourself, love unapologetically and be kind!

Saloni Jaitly signing off

Only love ❤